Miracles

So, the first miracle, is that I am going to attempt to rejoin the blogging world after a long absense. The second would be that I finally remembered how to sign back in to my own blog in order to repost. I guess it's been awhile.

There are nights in all of our lives I suppose, where we need the reminder to look up and see the miracles that happen all around us on a daily basis. This might be one of those nights for me. Accompanying the weight of adulthood responsibilities are the heaviness of big decisions and loss and change that are certainly innevitable, and necessary. And, occasionally the exhaustion of weekly jet lag catches up and I sit here in the quiet moments, kept awake only by incessant alarms that never seem to quit in a setting such as this. :) Still, even through the exhaustion it is possible to look up and see the miracles. So tonight that is precisely what I want to write about.

Miracles can be found in so many different areas of life, and on so many levels. One of the reasons I am willing to come to work at every hour of the day or night is because of those miracle moments that bring color and perspective to life, and make me grateful to be alive. Most miracles are ones that I witness. Sometimes the miracle is only found in how it affects me. One night shortly after I graduated from nursing school and was heading into work for one of my first night shifts, I remember feeling overwhelmed and frightened. (Alright, so that was actually most nights at first :)) I will never forget how I kept looking down at my nametag, just to reassure myself that it did, in fact, say "RN" on it... something that was supposed to convince me of my own competence. I had been praying for strength and courage, and peace. The ICU is a frightening place for a brand new nurse. I had read the words of a priesthood blessing I had recieved years before shortly before leaving for work that night. One of the lines in the blessing said something to the effect that there would be angels around me to strengthen me in my times of need. I remember thinking of those words specifically as I prayed for the competence I needed to perform well in such a high pressure position. That night I took care of a woman who was very sick. As I cared for her the best that I could, she seemed discouraged and worn out. I don't remember anything of our conversation, only that in my best attempts to show compassion, as I turned out the lights to leave her to sleep, for what I later learned was her last night on earth, she smiled at me, took my hand in hers and said to me, "God bless you. There are angels all around you." I will never forget that. Maybe those were her dilusions, or maybe that was a phrase she used on everyone. In fact, when I came back the next night and learned that she had passed away that day, the nurse giving me report mentioned that she had said the same phrase to her. I don't think she necessarily literally saw angels. It doesn't matter whether she did or not. It was a gift from God to me to strengthen me when I needed it most. Coincidental, maybe. But it was a miracle for me.

For the last two months I have spent a large majority of my shifts caring for a woman in her early 50s who has been critically ill for several months now. Her illness had disabled her to the point where she had been unable to move anything but her facial features. Her picture was grim and yet her family remained hopeful. After two months of struggling and fighting, one night two weeks ago I went in to help her with her physical therapy, such as it was. We were in the habit of sitting her by the side of her bed, nearly fully supporting her weight, but hoping that balance and strength would eventually begin to develop, so far with little success. On this night, two weeks ago, I crouched at her side, with her husband sitting beside her and my charge nurse behind her holding her weight. As I held her hand, suddenly I thought to ask her if she could wiggle her fingers. The task that seems so simple to you or I was something that we wondered if she would ever be able to do again. To my amazement, I first saw one finger twitch, and then, there it was. Unmistakeably she was moving her fingers, something we had seen no signs of for the past two months she had been with us. Before I could catch myself, I literally cried out to her husband, "Did you see that?!?" Optomistic and cheerful as he always was, this time his face was sober. He just stared at her, and then at me, shook his head gratefully, and said, "This is a night of miracles at LDS hospital." My eyes filled with tears. This time, he was the one that reminded me of the source. There was no questioning the odds had been beaten, and a miracle had occured. Suddenly I remembered why I do what I do.

These are the moments that strengthen us I beleive... even at 1 am. And now it is only 6 1/2 hours! Thanks for keeping me company tonight. :)